rules.md
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<!-- TITLE: The 9 angry commandments -->
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<!-- SUBTITLE: Production is war and war is hell -->
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-# Love thy defaults.
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+# 1 Love thy defaults.
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Nobody cares about your rainbows and emoji ZSH prompt customisation. *Nobody.* Your Ansible PR has been refused.
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Do less to ~~do more~~ stop dicking me about.
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-# Thou shalt use the infrastructure.
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+# 2 Thou shalt use the infrastructure.
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We both know you couldn't implement Paxos if your miserable life depended on it.
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Stop writing ridiculous code you won't understand in a week's time. Put that shit in zookeeper, or a database, or whatever.
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-# Thou shalt use the OS.
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+# 3 Thou shalt use the OS.
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If it'll fit in two lines of grep, sed, and awk, do that. If you need more power, break out split and xargs -P. Use flock. Use cron. Use logrotate.
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Your bullshit multi-threaded Ruby abominations are your problem. Don't make them mine.
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-# Thou shalt always check last mod times.
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+# 4 Thou shalt always check last mod times.
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Are you sure that's the right file?
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Fuck me, are you even on the right host?
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-# Thou shalt not blame DNS.
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+# 5 Thou shalt not blame DNS.
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Despite what the Interwebs told you, it's not DNS.
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Use dig. nslookup is for very small children and Senior Javascript Developers. Yes, this wiki is a Node app. Yes, we are all *unclean*.
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-# Thou shalt respect the sanctity of stdout.
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+# 6 Thou shalt respect the sanctity of stdout.
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If your app has nothing to say, it should shut the fuck up.
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Logs do not belong on stdout. Ever.
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-# Thou shalt automate everything
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+# 7 Thou shalt automate everything
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Are you being paid by the fucking keystroke or something? Not since that local government contract, eh? Thems were the days.
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Get that soul-destroying, mind-numbing bollocks into Ansible. Do it now. Right now.
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-# Thou shalt only use UTC.
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+# 8 Thou shalt only use UTC.
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These servers could be on the fucking moon for all I know.
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Don't make me convert your guess-the-timezone-not-quite-ISO8601 timestamps during a fucking outage. Not again.
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-# Those who email screenshots of PuTTY sessions shall be destroyed.
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+# 9 Those who email screenshots of PuTTY sessions shall be destroyed.
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What the *fuck* is wrong with you?
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