1 Love thy defaults.

Nobody cares about your rainbows and emoji ZSH prompt. Nobody. Your Ansible PR has been refused. Do less to do more stop dicking me about.

2 Thou shalt use the infrastructure.

We both know you couldn't implement Paxos if your miserable life depended on it. Stop writing ridiculous code you won't understand in a week's time. Put that shit in zookeeper, or a database, or whatever.

3 Thou shalt use the OS.

If it'll fit in two lines of grep, sed, and awk, do that. If you need more power, break out split and xargs -P. Use flock. Use cron. Use logrotate. Your bullshit multi-threaded Ruby abominations are your problem. Don't make them mine.

4 Thou shalt always check last mod times.

Are you sure that's the right file? Fuck me, are you even on the right host?

5 Thou shalt not blame DNS.

Despite what the Interwebs told you, it's not DNS. Use dig. nslookup is for very small children and Senior NodeJS Developers. Yes, this wiki is a Node app. Yes, we are all unclean.

6 Thou shalt respect the sanctity of stdout.

If your app has nothing to say, it should shut the fuck up. Logs do not belong on stdout. Ever.

7 Thou shalt automate everything.

Are you being paid by the fucking keystroke or something? This isn't a union gig. Get that mind-numbing carpal-tunnel-inflaming shiteshow into Ansible. Now.

8 Thou shalt only use UTC.

These servers could be on the fucking moon for all I know. Don't make me convert your guess-the-timezone-not-quite-ISO8601 timestamps during a fucking outage. Not again.

9 Those who email screenshots of PuTTY sessions shall be destroyed.

What the fuck is wrong with you?